Saturday, 14 March 2015

Old love



They say you should write about what you know, so this is me writing about a few things I do know. For the last 2 years I have loved only one person, and for those 2 years I have also came to hate myself a little bit more than before. I have found that one question you forever get asked when you are in a relationship with someone is “what do you love about them?” or “how do you know you love them?” For some people this time is spent making a list, saying everything they love about their partner and why, but for others they become speechless. They lose words, and find it hard to say anything, simply because they love everything about their partner that they cannot name every single piece. I guess this is how I learnt that different Is ok. For me I was both, one moment I could name everything I loved, but then the next I couldn't, and even now, 2 years later I find it hard to explain what I do love about him, even if I do know I love him. Or do I?
Is this even love?
Do I even still love this man?

I guess that’s where I got even more stuck. I thought I was in love with someone I wasn't, I thought that not knowing what I loved about him meant I loved everything, but now I think I was wrong. I seemed to have found myself being made happy by simply talking to someone new. Receiving a few simple messages made me smile, and gave me butterfly’s. Maybe I was just lonely? But I wanted to put this down to the fact that he had moved on 100% quicker than I had, and I just wanted someone to care. But now, I put that down to now feeling the same way I did 2 years ago. Maybe I’m not in love with him anymore, but what if that’s down to how much people change, because when I look at him now, the boy I fell in love with isn't there anymore.

How are any of us meant to stay in love with each other when we are all changing, all of the time. Even with a little bit of time between a couple they can change. Last time i took a "break" with someone a "break" turned into 8 months. 8 months with out talking, that can change a person. After that time was over, he came back, talking and treating me like i was the same person, in that time i had dropped out of college, hand a job and lost it, been put on medication for depression moved out and started my own business... I wasn't the same person, but he thought i was, but that was because he had fallen out of love with me a long time ago, and hadn't payed attention once. 

What I find most amazing about love is that we love different people in different ways, and no matter what we do that will not change. For such a long time I gave one person all of my love, everything I had, and one day that just wasn't enough for him. I never thought that it was okay, but it is. I know that I have a lot more love to give than he does, so when he’s giving me his all, I only needed to give him half of what I had. It’s the same for a lot of people, we don’t all have a big heart, and we don’t all have a lot of love to give. And even when we do give it all, sometimes it is unrequited and it doesn't even matter. Lets just say:-

It wasn't hard to fall in love with him, 
But it also wasn't easy either.

Lilypad xo


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2 comments:

  1. Wow. I feel like thats all I can really say. It sounds so difficult to deal with and thank you for sharing such very personal time of your life. I feel like everyone, including myself, can relate to something like this a lot. Get well soon, darling.

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    1. Thank you so much, i feel like i want to write a lot more posts like this. There was so much i could have said but this was all i could get out..
      lilypad xo

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